Firstly, I'd like to say how proud I am of how far I've come with my healing journey.
Its not over, it's a continuous process but one thing I've really struggled with during this time, was feeling I wasn't a good enough mother.
I worried about not being perfect and that I couldn't be the best mother at all times for one reason or another. While they may have not known directly what was going on with me internally our children are very aware of our energy positive AND negative no matter what. From within the womb a baby is aware of any and all stress etc their mother experiences and this continues throughout childhood most specifically during the first 7 years of life. My awareness of this added to my concerns. I knew if I chose to not heal the wounded parts of myself then I would be left feeling not completely whole (which wasn't an option to be honest) but in choosing this path I had to ride out the ups and downs of healing, while parenting!
I am naturally a maternal woman and have always been very loving, affectionate and nurturing with my children but nevertheless have felt guilt at times for not being good enough for them.
My decision to feel and do better has allowed me not only to grow and be a better person but teaches my children that you can at any time choose to do and feel better if that's what you really want to do. They've been by my side throughout this journey, watching me blossom and as a result I get to see them blossom into the wonderful people they all are today, happy and content.
As I learn how to be more vulnerable and open up I'm able to show them how to positively do the same. I can parent them from a much more grounded place mentally, emotionally and spiritually, while providing them with an emotionally safe environment. I've learnt telling a child you are ok when you're not isn't any more beneficial for them then burdening them with your adult problems. Children FEEL our stress, pain, sorrow etc and begin to internalise these emotions and assign our negative emotional outbursts or emotional neglect/distance to being their fault.
Emotional neglect during childhood can affect the way a child perceives their world and themselves. It can leave lasting scars. Not everyone experiences emotional neglect in the same way, so bare in mind, what may be distressing for one person may not be for somebody else.
We can pass our emotional habits on, unconsciously teaching them negative emotional behaviours which can effect their adult relationships. We must do what we can to show them how to have a positive relationship with themselves and others which includes but isn't limited to, knowing yourself, speaking your truth and having boundaries.
I've learnt that negative emotions are ok, it's ok to have them, feel them and express them and without doing this they become blocked within the body's energy system causing mental and physical problems down the line. When we feel an emotion no matter what it is, we are feeling it for a reason. When a person learns at a young age to feel shame, guilt or embarrassement for instance around being themselves it makes it almost impossible for them to express themselves authentically later on. Anger, rage or feelings of unworthiness for example are literally bringing light to something you need to deal with, express or heal.
If you are raising a family as I am I just want you to know that it's ok to have off days. It's ok to need time to yourself, to water yourself and speak your truth. Children are resilient yes, but if you lead by example and heal, grow and love yourself they will have a better chance to grow up with a foundation of safety, stability, love and truth.
It's never too late to invest in yourself and do better for your children so they don't have to spend their adulthood trying to unravel their emotions and heal.
I'll continue working on myself and in turn be the best version of myself for the betterment of not only myself and others but my precious children too.
Love and Light